So the tampon tax, I’m afraid, can’t be cut,

No, not because I’m a cunt, EU laws forbid it,

But please don’t worry, I’ve got a genius idea,

I think you’ll really like this one my dear

Well you know women’s problems –

getting raped, domestically abused

Yes, yes – all that malarchy,

minor inconveniences  in a patriarchy,

Well, we’ve never given it much thought,

Why would we?

It’s a bit awkward and not really our domain,

No need to discuss or divulge women’s pain,

The strict door policy at the Houses of Commons and LORDS

Of course, helps us out,

woman banter carries little clout.

Well, anyway, you know that luxury hobby of yours?

And those silly wooly things you girls wear,

With those stupid stringy chords,

Yes – they look a bit like mice!

Well, we’re going to give you back that 5% tax,

Isn’t that nice?

because let’s face it, you might get abused at some point,

sometimes, after a whiskey or two, man can be a bit of a brute,

but NOW you can pay to help your kind with your own loot!

Imagine that ladies – guilt free counselling and support,

Surely that will go down a real hoot in your cohort!

So, each time you go to the till and hand over four pounds fifty to Superdrug,

Remember buying those little towels will mean aid when you’re abused by a thug.

Enjoy ladies, enjoy!

And please do excuse me, I must dash.

Me – the guy in charge of all your cash.

I’ll let you girls go back to making babies and page three,

I’m off to my club – there’s a beauty of a pig waiting for me.